Love, the most talked about feeling in the world. And yet comprehensively the most difficult to define. I think every individual has a different meaning to it, depending on their understanding of themselves and the world around. In my opinion, Love is an emotion you feel for another. You feel you care and worry about their well-being. And most importantly you want them to be happy.

Recently, I started reading to understand more on this subject. I’ve read several responses from different people across the world. I realise, we are all searching for it’s meaning. Let me try to put my thoughts into words.

There are different kinds of Love:

1. Platonic Love is an emotional connection with people that share your same interests or worldview. You feel overwhelming gratitude, fondness, and interest for one another. A connection build solely on respect and admiration, without the feelings of intimacy. You’re not afraid to fight in this relationship. You don’t fear losing. Both parties work towards building one another. Helping each other reach their true potential.
2. Romantic Love: The most desired form of Love. The endless search of a partner to share your life with, to grow old with and create memories with. In this Love you’re not afraid to compromise for the sake of the relationship.
3. Unconditional Love: A Mother’s Love is the purest form of unconditional Love. She will happily sacrifice herself for the well-being of her children, without any expectations in return.
4. Conditional Love: In these dynamics, Love must be earned based on certain conditions being met. e.g.: at a workplace love and appreciation is given only when a certain task is fulfilled.

However, Love that aches the most is Romantic Love. But why does it have to be this way? I’m sure, at some point in life we all have loved and lost! But why do we yearn to find Love in another person is the bigger question we need to ask!

From the beginning of time, in stone age people lived in tribes, the main goal was survival. We’ve evolved from there and life isn’t that harsh anymore. Everything is much simpler in terms of communities and yet somehow, we have complicated the concept of love. Our need for love is embedded in our DNA. We need to feel we belong to something greater than ourselves. It is at the very core of our human existence.

Okay, so we’ve established the fact that love and belonging is at the very core of every human. Then why is love such an alien concept to fathom? I think it’s mainly to do with the advancement in technologies. With changing times, the need of every individual has reached a wide spectrum of choices. Now you’ll ask why? Mainly because unlike the simpler times of stone age, where everyone’s needs were the same, we evolved and so did our problems. Exposure to lifestyle changes brought in a wide range of choices that seeped into our very soul. We are the first generation that’s exposed to so much information that we can never run out of ideas, thanks to google. The problem lies in choosing which direction to take, determining right from wrong. Add social media to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. Everyone is constantly living in this self-projection of themselves. Portraying Life that isn’t real. Mainly to shield away from the pain of people’s disapproval. It aches me to see how people don’t use this opportunity to connect on an authentic level. Why can’t we face another human with our bare souls helping each other in this life together. Okay, I see I’m getting ahead of myself here. So back to the subject of Love. I once read this quote: “Tell me who you Love, and I’ll tell you who you are ” – Rumi – During that time I had just finished reading this book called Facing Love addictions. I saw profound meaning in this quote then. It means we all accept the Love we think we deserve. Let me elaborate. Every individual’s upbringing is different, and as much as you want to deny its effects on you. The reality is we are an adult of our childhood making. The empowering thing here is to understand the patterns and choose to make better life choices every day. Life can be simpler only if we consciously try to understand ourselves better. Let me give you an example of how Love addictions work. Amenaedil is a child that witnesses a Narcissistic family at play, where the parents need surpasses the child’s need. The child is unconsciously becoming the adult while consciously trying to look after their parent’s needs. Another Example: A child is left home, alone for prolonged hours. What do you think happens here, the child with no experience of past or future is alone at home, probably the child develops fear of darkness, fear of abandonment, fear of opening up to their emotional needs! Another case example: Father is a Navy Officer; Mother is beautiful, and their daughter is the epitome of cuteness. Parents flaunt their daughter at all social gatherings. But as the child grows, she puts on weight, parents despise that, for they can no longer flaunt her. The child in this scenario feels abandoned, starts starving herself to meet her parent’s needs. Another example: A child is forced to live up to their parents’ expectations academically. The child’s freewill is sabotaged constantly trying hard to please his parents. And in doing so develops self-esteem issues feeling they’re not good enough if they can’t meet that goal. There are many case scenarios of how one develops a certain fear. The point is we all learn these fears / coping mechanisms as children. And as an adult these fears / coping mechanisms come to surface in a romantic relationship. We unconsciously create the same family dynamics that we wish to break free from. Now you’ll ask why would we do something we want to break free from. Well, this is all in the unconscious memories of our mind. The brain is very interesting in how it processes information. What happens is, it has a memory of what your family was, how you tried to fit in, how you tried to create a perfect family. How you held that fantasy so dear. So, when you meet someone that creates the same push and pull effect, your brain sees the repeating patterns and accepts it as normal. And so, begins the roller coaster ride of emotional waves.

There is a way to break free from our own patterns. It’s not easy though. It is going to be a difficult road ahead. You first need to come to terms with reality that your family was not perfect because humans are not perfect. We all make mistakes. Let go of your dream to create that fantasy. Accept people for who they are without any judgements. Understand that we’re all going through a journey that only we as an individual can overcome.

Road to recovery and acceptance:

1. Accept yourself for who you are today. With the good, the bad, the ugly

2. Define a realistic view of a family that can help everyone involved with giving space to learn and grow as an individual first and yet collectively belong together.

3. Define values and principles that you want to stand for come what may.

4. Define the values you want in a life partner. I’m not talking about surface qualities. What is that defines an individual, what is his/ her driving force in life. How authentic of a person they are. Do they walk their talks?

5. Define yourself as an individual with life goals and dreams to fulfill. Envision a grand plan for yourself, you may change the course to it several times, and that’s okay, what matters is you live with meaning and purpose.

6. Define your deal beakers for any relationship from friendship to Love. What is it that you’re willing to compromise for and what is it that you won’t accept at all!

7. Define the person you want to become. The best version of yourself and live every day working towards it.

Over the years if you pay enough attention to what you don’t want, eventually you will know what you really want. I have learned that people treat others the way they treat themselves internally. Learn to accept yourself fully, learn to be patient with yourself. Learn to love and forgive yourself first. Only then will the love outflow unto others and just like that somebody that’s meant for you will find its way. You will find a love that wants to grow with you. A love that accepts you wholly for who you are just as you will accept them. It will be a relationship where two whole individuals meet to complement each other, share each other mentally, physically and emotionally. A love that will be enough!!